Older

Nate going all in at the 2021-22 Space Race

by Nate Pack

I used to think I knew.

I used to believe I was in control.

I was wrong.

Well, maybe a younger, more arrogant version of me did know. The older me is certain of a lot less. I’m right here, Dunning and Kruger.

For years I called myself a cyclist and a speedskater, so I trained accordingly to improve my power-endurance capacity in those sports. I worked immensely hard, for sure, and I’m proud of the work I did. But I also confused analysis and over-thinking about those sports with meaningful performance in those sports. I conflated interval training sessions and power meters and lactate monitors with actual competition on the bike or on the ice. My hubris convinced me I was right, and above. Others were simple and less and below. I was too busy projecting answers instead of asking questions, so I never achieved my own best potential, let alone the higher level of top athletes.

Maybe some of what I did was optimal; maybe it wasn’t. How could I know when I was so focused on the quantitative metrics that I missed the deeper experiences right in front of me? I presumed to control external outcomes by steering chaos inside my own bubble. I recognize now that I did hard training because I didn’t have the courage to do the harder work that led to greater improvements.

Pride precedes the fall, I guess. It’s better to face a hard truth in life than to pretend it doesn’t exist.

I’m older now—past my physical peak—but I believe my best days are still ahead of me, at least psychologically and emotionally. What matters to me now is what I decide matters; whatever I decide to imbue with meaning. It’s not what others deem important or noteworthy that defines the value of my ambitions. The 1s and 0s and brutal interval sessions don’t carry as much power over me today. Instead, I choose to pursue experiences that inspire me and bring deeper learnings within me rather than doing what I or society expects superficially.

Mark Twight, a long-time mentor to me and inspiration to many has counseled, “Chase light. Put yourself where your spirit is most free, where you feel alive. Liberate your senses. Liberate your sense of self. You may need your anger to fuel the fire. You may find that love burns hotter. Or that quiet accumulation of energy serves you better than combustion. You won’t be happy or fulfilled by doing what they want so whatever it takes, break free.” Change or nothing will change.

I feel freer now to chase experiences over performances. Yet I still want my objectives to be hard enough to demand everything from me; or to demand more of me than I think or believe I have; objectives beyond what I have previously achieved. I want the effort to change me—or to require change that enables ability—and teach me something. I want to freely give all I’m willing to give, happily and without regret.

Although I don’t know now what I once proclaimed I knew, I have the rest of my life to be and to experience growth, which is infinitely more valuable than knowledge. Getting older taught me this and I’m happier for it. And I can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before I decide to be happy.

So, I’ll chase my next experiences free of others’ expectations—and my own—open to the possibility that I can reach further and higher and faster than I ever did when I was filled with knowledge.